Box o' Whine

Best Day Ever

2012-01-25T16:14:00.000-06:00

No, not really. But it's pretty dang good.

First of all, I got invited to join pinterest! Funny, I didn't care about it until I found out it was exclusive. But I got in! For the first time ever!

Oh, there was also that call where that nurse lady told me I do NOT have liver disease. Just a slightly Rubenesque liver. She might have called it something else, but all I heard was Rubenesque. And Chardonnay. I definitely heard Chardonnay.

Gotta run, I have lots of lost time to make up for. Then do a little tipsy pinning!

shhhhh

2012-01-08T15:34:00.000-06:00

Don't tell the doctor.

My Last Hurrah

2012-01-03T17:09:00.000-06:00

So, remember when I found out I was sick? And then I found out I wasn't, really?

Well, I had one more test and guess what? It said that I was definitely sick, but maybe not.

Confused? Yeah, me too. And also? My doctor. She's confused, too. That's why I am going to the country's best liver specialist tomorrow. I've been busy arranging all of my lab tests in chronological order. And highlighting the dates of the tests. And using fancy paper clips to fasten said groups of lab tests. Then binding them all together with these wee tiny little clips that I found at the stationery store.

See, I needed something to distract myself. And it's not for the reason that you might think. See, I called the hospital the doctor is affiliated with in St. Louis to "expedite my services" tomorrow and found out that they were unable to reach an agreement with Blue Cross and so they no longer accept my insurance. The doctor does, but the hospital doesn't. And the hospital owns the doctor, they tell me, so it doesn't matter that the doctor sent me a letter that says, come on down, see me, we'll take Blue Cross! The hospital says no.

So what did I do? I cried, of course.

That'll show them.

Once I stopped sniveling I started making calls. First to Blue Cross, who were absolutely no help, and then to my secondary insurance. See, I'm really lucky. Both me and my husband have insurance so I get to double dip. And in this instance, my secondary insurance will pay what my useless primary won't. So I get to see the best liver doctor in the country. Who will most likely tell me to stop drinking.

So? Tonight I drink. A lot.

I hope you still like me when I'm sober.

Agnostic Nativity

2011-12-11T18:37:00.001-06:00

Look at ME

2011-12-10T17:07:00.000-06:00

Heeheeheeeheeeee

This is my very first boxo'chardonnay. I told Mr. Whine to pick that up because I don't like chardonnay.

But guess what?

I doooooooooooo. Lurrrrrvvvvvvvveeeeeeee chardonnayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

This is my first wine buzz since I don't even know when. And it. Is. AWESOME. Also? It is 5 pm. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Christmas decorating can wait. I have wine to drink. And obnoxious comments to leave. (I was stone cold sober when I left THAT comment on your blog, I swear).

Hint Hint

2011-11-21T16:13:00.000-06:00

I need a wine decanter.

I'm Not Just Negative...

2011-11-20T18:34:00.000-06:00

...I'm HIV negative.

You don't watch South Park, do you? Well you should. Then you would know how hilarious that is.

Oh. Also? I no longer have Hepatitis C. I have a kick-ass immune system, evidently. And 10 liters of wine a week is apparently good for my liver. Yes. It is. Yes.

I am so fucking happy I can't stand myself.

Here's Another One

2011-11-14T16:17:00.001-06:00

It was so disheartening to find out that Serge was insincere in his love for my blog! And he is also a Pisces and a Gemini. I get all kinds of "anonymous" comments...have you received one like this?

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "(Z)oloft...":

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Posted by Anonymous to Box o' Whine at November 13, 2011 6:50 PM

How about this one:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Tooting My Own Horn":

hi there boxowhine.blogspot.com owner found your blog via Google but it was hard to find and I see you could have more visitors because there are not so many comments yet. I have found website which offer to dramatically increase traffic to your blog http://xrumerservice.org they claim they managed to get close to 1000 visitors/day using their services you could also get lot more targeted traffic from search engines as you have now. I used their services and got significantly more visitors to my website. Hope this helps :) They offer checker google rank seo sites backlink service purchase backlinks Take care. John

Posted by Anonymous to Box o' Whine at November 13, 2011 7:09 PM

But here is my personal favorite (it wasn't a comment, but an email, but still):

Hi I met you at a friends up in New Milford a while ago.. please read

X

Inbox

X

Juan Cano jncano80@gmail.com to me

show details Jul 25

Hi how are you... I met you at a friends house a while ago I never really got a chance to talk to you and I thought you were super hot and really wanted to maybe take you out. Anyway, it's been a long time and I had no way of getting in touch with you since I stopped talking to your friend immediately after that. You and I exchanged a few words in which you mentioned your blog and I FINALLY!!! remembered the name the other day so here's to hoping you get this email. I thought you were really hot, and I would love to get together and have some drinks, or a lot of them lol... anyway I attached my pictures see if you remember me and if you'd like to hang out. It would be great to hear from you even if to say you're not interested, I guess just to know I did get to reach you rather than not know for sure.

Juan

4 attachments — Download all attachments View all images

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Glad to know someone thinks I'm Hot!

Jooble

2011-11-07T17:19:00.000-06:00

I got this email today...let's take a look, shall we?

Hello!

I just want to thank you for your wonderful blog boxowhine.blogspot.com.

I read the post "Do You Want the Good News or the Bad News?" and then I spent another hour on your blog by reading your posts with pleasure :) Every article is interesting and easy to read. I really like the "Free to Good Home...".

I work for Jooble company, we aggregate job adverts around the world.

My job is to persuade bloggers to link to our site.

I really love my job! We have a friendly team and good management, but unfortunately I have no idea how to convince a blogger to link to us, I'm afraid I might lose my job because of it :(

And that is why, instead of sending letters to thousands of different blogs, I am reading yours.

Honestly, I am not really sure if the link to our website in United States - jooble-us.com, will be appropriate for your blog, but if you believe it will and it is possible to add it, I would be really grateful to you! Our site is really cool, it can greatly help hundreds of people to find jobs.

I wish you to have a good day and excellent mood! Thanks again for your nice blog. Write more! Thanks!

P.S. I am a Aries by zodiac sign too :)

Best regards,

Serge Lavange
Account Manager

Tel: +44 (0) 800 098 8516
E-mail: sl@jooble.com
Skype: serge.lavange

www.jooble.org

I really appreciate Serge taking the time to read and it makes me so happy that he enjoyed my bad news about having hepatitis C. I have no idea how to link anything so, if you are looking for a job, why don't you try jooble? And if you have any debilitating diseases, shoot me an email. We can commiserate!

Do You Want the Good News or the Bad News?

2011-10-19T17:28:00.000-05:00

Oh wait...there isn't any good news.

And yet I am drinking. Hmmm.

I told y'all you were invited, and you are. But see all those spices surrounding that eensy weensy little wine glass? They are there because I have mice in my drawers. Yes ma'am. And in my cabinets. I don't have time to whine about my good-for-nothing liver cuz I gots me a mouse to kill.

And some wine to drink. When it is gone...well I guess I am done. At least for the time being. And if it is really bad? Well then, I am having one hell of a party, mouse poop or no. See you there.

Free to Good Home...

2011-10-10T17:22:00.000-05:00

One gently used bag o'wine (formerly box o'wine; box was removed for easier refrigerator storage).
New owner must promise to drink from a large wine glass and think of me.

That's right friends, my liver has betrayed me. I won't bore you with all the details; just know that for the time being I am wineless. And vodkaless. And ginless. And did I mention NO WINE????!!?

I would be totally convinced that life is not worth living if a certain statin that I began taking a month ago was not suspected at coercing my liver into trying to kill me. I will give it 2 weeks and if things don't look any better, you are all invited to my house and we will all drink and drink and drink until I am dead.

It may take a while.

Tooting My Own Horn

2011-07-05T18:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, if we're talking about bragging about one's own accomplishments, I am not that one.

But there are 2 things in this world of which I am certain. First, I am the world's best quarters player. Guaranteed. I'll kick your ass every time.

Secondly, I make a damn fine meatloaf.

This may or may not be it. Don't tell anybody, but there are carrots in there. And some celery. I know, that is sacrilegious, but I am trying to help my husband out, without him noticing it. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Happy Birthday, America!

2011-07-04T17:59:00.000-05:00

So, this is how we celebrate in Bumfuck (yes, it is rather underwhelming):

How to Make a Gimlet (with Pictures!)

2011-06-05T17:05:00.000-05:00

So, here is how a wino with a poorly stocked bar mixes a fancy cocktail:

First you need to assemble your ingredients

Now, assemble your, um, mixing paraphernalia

That's what I am using as a shot glass these days, because I have lost my Graceland jigger. It once held a fake rose and was hugged by a teddy bear. I believe it was a (lame) Valentine's gift. Note the time, please.

This is now my cocktail shaker.

Well, I don't really eat salads, so I don't need to mix my own dressing, do I? All I can say is thank god I didn't throw it away.

So, the recipe on the lime juice bottle says to combine 1 ounce of lime juice

with 2 ounces of vodka or gin

in a cocktail shaker

My, that doesn't look like very much. I'd better double it. Then you strain it over ice.

See that garlic salt container? That was going to be my shaker, and I have a feeling that it would not have tasted too good. Again, thank god I didn't throw that vinaigrette bottle away.

Seven minutes later...I have the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted. Really. It's like kerosene. Or maybe turpentine. Yuck. My throat and esophagus are on fire.

Ah, that's better.

I Don't Have Time For This!

2011-06-03T14:05:00.001-05:00

I managed to stay away a whole month! And in that time I have discovered Angry Birds on the iPad and I really don't have time for y'all anymore. But since I am still getting comments on my hotel sex post (With my wife? Really?) I figured we could do a little catch up.

Of course the hotel sex was fabulous, but wasn't that much out of the ordinary, really. Let's see what I can remember...I walked! OUTSIDE!! The fancy casino was all booked up so we stayed at a cute little place just around the corner from there. We went to The Fabulous Fox to see A Prairie Home Companion and it was, of course, awesome. My husband even enjoyed it. We went back to the hotel and started the alcoholic part of the trip. I then broke out the fancy bra I had bought for the occasion, and the slutty purple top, filled the complimentary Styrofoam coffee cup with Riesling, stowed my slutty shoes in my purse (which is a lot like Hermione's in The Deathly Hallows) and set off for the casino. Yes, my friends, I walked outside for three-quarters of a mile. And part of it was uphill. Drinking wine in a Styrofoam cup (spell-check insists that I capitalize Styrofoam). I stole a paper, because the only reason I can get my husband to agree to these little outings once a year is that I make his traveling as comfortable as possible; I remembered to bring the Charmin, but I forgot the reading material, so I "acquired" some and added it to the booty in my magical purse. We walked around and my amazing husband convinced me that it would be okay to go all out and eat at the seafood restaurant so I could have some oysters, and we dropped $100 on dinner. If you only knew what a tightwad he is you would appreciate what a big deal that was. And? He kissed me in public, which is something else he never does. It must have been the slutty top. We then went to the casino, determined to make $20 last a while. It didn't, but we enjoyed how much attention the slutty purple top got. We took a cab home and he didn't charge us because I ran upstairs and got him a bag full of ice because he had slammed his hand in the door right before we got in (he was watching a bachelorette party disembark from a limo and wasn't paying attention to what he was doing). Then, you know, awesome hotel sex, yadda yadda.

On the way home we stopped at the mall and bought a $4000 Sleep Number bed. Again: Husband = Tightwad, so pretty fucking amazing, as is that bed. I'm a 45; he was a 65 but is now a 70. I tried 25 one night and it was exquisite until I couldn't get out of the bed the next morning. I finally had to quit jacking around with it and just leave it on 45. My son graduated on the 22nd and everyone under the age of 45 took a ride in that bed during his party. I'd start them out at 100, which is as hard as granite, then take them down to 5, then let them find their own sleep number. I could work there, I swear.

What else? I created a new drink: fancy gin from Seattle, mixed with the most delicious orange sherbert from the custard stand in Sesser, with a splash of 7up. I call it a Big Orange Christmas Tree.

I discovered a new lemonade wine from Wildlife Winery called Trouble-licious and it is divine. I thought it was affordable, too, until I just fished it out of the trash to see what it was called and saw that it is $14.99. Oh, well, it was really yummy.

Hmm, well that's my last month in a nutshell. Maybe I can at least post once a week--give Angry Birds updates or something. I am currently on level 4 and suspect that is where I will be this time next week. Fucking pigs, they laugh at me when I don't kill them. If they wouldn't wear those little helmets it would be easier.

That's Right...

2011-04-30T15:29:00.000-05:00

I quit. But don't worry about me. I'm across the river getting ready to have hotel sex. Not motel sex; hotel sex. It's more expensive.

Uh Oh

2011-04-25T00:01:00.000-05:00

Ha, no one even noticed that I didn't really post on Friday and Saturday. My awesome job saw to it that I worked 6 days this week and I just totally forgot. When I remembered I thought my Uh Oh post would be my quitting the challenge, but I didn't want to hear Rae whine. So I hurried up and wrote S and T and back-posted them (I love that feature in blogger) and now I am all caught up. Is it me or is this challenge not nearly as much fun as last year? I think it is just so big that there is no way to get around to all the other blogs, and in turn they are not getting around to my blog. And I don't want to be a writer when I grow up (because factory work is so much more fulfilling) and I have no idea what a query is and I am completely confused about what 99% of the other bloggers are talking about. I want to drink and write silly things and be sorry about it the next day. Count me out next year.

Turducken

2011-04-23T00:01:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had this? It's amazing!

Ingredients

1 3 lb whole chicken, boned
salt and pepper to taste
Creole seasoning to taste
1 4 lb duck, boned
1 16 lb turkey, boned
3 cups prepared sausage and oyster dressing

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Lay the boned chicken skin-side down on a platter and season liberally with salt, pepper and Creole seasoning. Lay the boned duck skin-side down on top of the chicken and season liberally with salt, pepper and Creole seasoning. Cover and refrigerate.
Lay the boned turkey skin-side down on a flat surface. Cover with a layer of cold Sausage and Oyster Dressing and push the dressing into the leg and wing cavities so they will look as if they still have bones in them.
Lay the duck on top of the turkey skin-side down and cover it with a layer of cold dressing. Lay the chicken on top of the duck skin-side down and cover it with a layer of cold dressing.
With the help of an assistant, bring the edges of the turkey skin up and fasten them together with toothpicks. Use the kitchen string to lace around the toothpicks to help hold the stuffed turkey together. Carefully place the turducken, breast up in a large roasting pan.
Roast covered for 4 hours or until the turducken is golden brown. Continue to roast uncovered for 1 hour or until a meat thermometer inserted through the thigh registers 180 degrees F. and a thermometer inserted through the stuffing registers 165 degrees F. Check the turducken every few hours to baste and remove excess liquid. There will be enough pan juices for a gallon of gravy. Carve and serve.

Shampoo and Sh!t

2011-04-22T00:01:00.001-05:00

For a not very pretty woman, I have a lot of hair stuff.

I have 22 kinds of shampoos and conditioners. And most of it is not the cheap stuff, though I have my fair share of that, too.

And then there are the sprays and gels and oils and serums (17). I personally paid for Paul Mitchell's vacation home in the south of France last year.

I seriously considered calling off from work last Wednesday because we didn't have any power. Our water heater is gas so I took my shower by lantern light and was in the process of packing up a small percentage of my stash, including my ion hair dryer with diffuser, so I could get ready in the shower room at work when power was restored. So I loaded my hair up with product and hurried to the living room to watch an episode of Scrubs before I dried my hair and got dressed. It takes 22 minutes if you fast forward through the commercials.

Responsible Drinking

2011-04-21T18:05:00.000-05:00

I really miss those days when it wasn't the biggest sin in the world to drive around in your car drinking beer. On Fridays, after work,my friend Mary and I would go to the blind school and spring her sister, Miss Dorothy. She'd climb into the backseat with her portable casio keyboard and we would head to the Pilot or Aztec and each get a 6 pack. Then we would drive around in the country and drink our beers and sing old motown songs. Eventually we would have to find a place to pee. I bet I have peed in almost every church parking lot in Rutherford County, Tennessee. Then we would go home to our stupid (now ex) husbands and resume our dreary lives. But for that hour or so every Friday night we were blissfully happy, and I miss those girls so much.

Qu'est Que Se

2011-04-20T00:01:00.002-05:00

J'ai pris le français mon année d'étudiant de première année dans le collège. Je voulais toujours apprendre. J'ai cru que c'était une belle langue. Au milieu du terme j'avais un A. Je ne suis jamais retourné à la classe. Andouille.

(Run it through the translator here. I thought andouille was a cajun sausage. Evidently it is french for schmuck.)
(And I did NOT want to teach...I wanted to learn.)(Translators are not that great at translating.)

Promenade and Do-Si-Do

2011-04-19T00:01:00.003-05:00

Okay, first the bad news...a young riesling lost it's life in my kitchen tonight. I was about 18 inches from the table and the dang bag broke and wine went every. where. Everywhere. Criminy what a mess. And sticky. And sad and heartbreaking cuz it was 1.5 liters and I was gonna drink that badboy. A moment of silence, please.

And now? Prom!

Yes, he is a special boy who hates having his picture taken. Has nothing to do with his alcohol-addled mother who turns the camera off instead of taking the picture.

I swear to god, he makes that face every time I try to take his picture! Stoopid digital cameras have that delay and I push the button and he looks normal, and then he makes that face & the camera snaps.

See, that boy doesn't have a job anymore and that friggin' tux cost $120 to rent (thank god he already had those awesome shoes) and the flowers were $30, and tickets were $65, and oh my god, I'm not buying you dinner, too, am I? No, I threw 2 sheets over the card table and went to big lots and got a table cloth, placemats, and napkins (because I don't own any of those things) and slapped some LED tea candles in a jar of glass discs and VOILA! Dinner at Chez Christy.

He is sticking his tongue out because I am taking his picture. He took off all his clothes and Alexx is in one of my lab coats from work. Oh, when he came back from picking her up and saw the transformed front room, aka Chez Christy, he said, "Lame, Mom." Knife through the heart. I slaved over fettuccine alfredo and rhubarb cheesecake after getting up at 1:50 in the morning to go to work early so I could leave early to go to big lots to buy all that crap and be lame. Awesome.

And yet I still let him drive my car. Crazy, I know.

But I think he had a good time.

Old Friend

2011-04-18T00:01:00.001-05:00

My high school bff Leslie's daughter broke her arm & Leslie took this video of her in the ER. Erica said she wanted it posted to youtube so her friends could see how goofy she was acting. It is hilarious!

New Friend

2011-04-16T00:10:00.002-05:00

So, I got to meet the super-awesome Rae today, and she was even cuter than her etsy profile picture! She plied me with chocolate for my birthday, and I shared my birthday cake with her. (By the way, Rae, that wine was disgusting!)

We found out we had some things in common, mostly about our husbands. First, neither one is terribly enthused about our blogging. Secondly, they are both totally out of touch with how much a week's worth of groceries cost. And lastly, they are both union workers; hers is a pipefitter and mine is a heavy equipment operator. That makes this relationship much more palatable to my husband, even though she drives a Ford. At least it was a truck.

Hopefully we will be able to get together more...I really want her to come over and play dancing games on the wii and kinect. And sing karaoke! I am awesome at karaoke. I usually feel pretty good about my writing, too, but that last paragraph reminds me of a grade-school essay! And that last sentence is a dangling participle, or one of those things that you're not supposed to do. Argh, my head hurts.

Time for (better) wine...Chocovine is gross!

My My My updated

2011-04-15T10:58:00.001-05:00

Yeah, I know. My title's are awesome.

My cake:

It's not so pretty. In fact, it's cracked. But it tasted good. And yes, that is box o'riesling precariously close to the edge of the table.

My trash:

We only used 2 sticks of butter, and I think it was all in the cake. Wait, no, one was melted to go on the tortillas for the beef chimichangas. Yes, there was a menu change. Beef Bourguignon is just beef stew. Wasn't feeling it. There was a pint of sour cream and a brick of cream cheese in the bread bowl dip, however. And I woke up and remembered the shrimp, out on the counter all night. Oops.

My new shoes:

They hurt. But they're cute. I need someone to buckle them for me. It wasn't pretty in the Target parking lot.

Since it is still my birthday week, I will make a rhubarb cheesecake and then play dance dance revolution on the wii. I treat myself well on my birthday (week).

**How could I forget to tell you? Slutty was in charge all day, and finally got naked @ 10pm!**

Larry and Fred

2011-04-14T08:22:00.001-05:00

Larry is in blue; Fred, as always, is in pink.

So, the birthday begins. In case you didn't know, I am deep in the throes of menopause and it causes some disruptions around my house. You never know which Christy is going to show up from day to day. I had a pretty strong feeling that Bitchy Christy was going to pop out to celebrate my birthday, but I think Weepy Christy managed to subdue her and lock her in the closet. So now I just have to wait and see if Weepy Christy wants some cake...I don't think she does. "I Beat Anorexia" Christy is probably going to eat it all.

It is 8:15! I should still be in bed. Instead I am showered and have my contacts in. That must mean that I am going to wear make-up today. That's Slutty Christy...she's, well, slutty. But she's a lot of fun. No one told her that family is coming over around 7 tonight; that's when the sluttiness usually happens here. She's gonna probably untie Bitchy Christy when she finds out.

So, I'm off to the big city grocery store, I guess. Yes, I travel an hour to go to this huge grocery store that has sushi and cooked shrimp, all kinds of hummus, cheese from all over the world, and a liquor store. And it is in a shopping center with a Target. So, Bonus! Then I will begin preparing the feast.

And waiting for Weepy, Bitchy, and Slutty to blow out the candles.

Kinky Toes

2011-04-13T18:08:00.000-05:00

Look, I am really running out of things to tell you people. I went to Chili's with the girls today, then to the spa for a pedi.

Then, I picked some rhubarb so I can make my own birthday cake/treatish thingy. And I think I will go to the butcher in the morning and make myself beef bourguinon. Why yes, I did watch Julie & Julia this morning. Then Friday perhaps I will finally meet Rae. That will cap off my birthday week!

Remember: wine, chocolate, cheese, flamingos and Tennessee. I'll be waiting patiently.

Justin Bieber...Only Better

2011-04-12T18:11:00.000-05:00

I I I

2011-04-11T17:13:00.000-05:00

I just continue to entertain and amaze. First, I didn't write about my super-awesome car on C day. And today I will not write about my super-awesome iPad. Look, I missed the r in the link up there and I'm too lazy to fix it.

No, today it really is all about I I I! Because it's my birthday week!! Yay!!

Yes, I am an only child; why do you ask?

FOCUS, PEOPLE!

Okay, I like wine, and chocolate, and cheese, and flamingos, and haikus. And anything UT related. No, not Utah, University of Tennessee. (Oof, that's my first-ever blog post; wow.)

I will be waiting for all the presents and what-not on Thursday...aka the day the Titanic sunk and Lincoln was shot (I believe; something happened to him on April 14).

Here I Come To Save The Day!

2011-04-09T17:22:00.000-05:00

I had to run over to Tossing it Out to make sure we weren't all posting about housekeeping today, like we did last year.

Don't you feel better about your own home now? That's mostly my recycling all over Buckethead's futon. Oh, and my crutches. And a Nashville Predators jersey, size small. No one in this house is a small anything. (Tell my husband I said that, would ya?). A shoe box that looks like a cigar box. Little teeny tiny chocolate bottles filled with liquor (how are those still here?). One lonely bottle of canola oil in a box--we buy in bulk.

How about my kitchen table?

Well, that's much better. Two packages of tortillas. Two books (Water for Elephants and I Love it When You Talk Retro). Um, a box of bandaids. Hot dog buns. Saltines. Oooh, chocolates. A can of tomatoes, petite diced. Lots of newspapers. And cups. And reusable grocery bags. Hey! Cupcakes! Horseradish Cheddar potato chips. What is that by the tomatoes? BUGLES! I love Bugles!!

So, there. I win. I better go clean ~~those Bugles~~ the table off.

Get Over It

2011-04-08T16:36:00.000-05:00

That's right, it's beer thirty and I don't want to write a post, so here's a recipe:

Grape Salad

serves 15

2 lbs green seedless grapes
2 lbs red seedless grapes
8 oz sour cream
8 oz cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Topping:
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup crushed pecans, to taste

Wash and stem grapes. Set aside. Mix sour cream, cream cheese, white sugar
and vanilla by hand until blended. Stir grapes into mixture and pour into large bowl.

For topping: Combine brown sugar and crushed pecans. Sprinkle over
top of grapes to cover completely.

Chill overnight.

Okay, if you are new here, just know that all the recipes I post contain either sour cream, cream cheese, or lots of butter. Usually it's a trifecta of artery-clogging goodness. You're welcome.

Fan Girlzzzzzzz

2011-04-07T15:09:00.000-05:00

Can you tell that all you can drink Budweiser (it is St. Louis, after all) was included in our ticket price? And Lisa, the pretty one with no glasses, was our DD. Those are my sunglasses on the left. Beth is the pretty one in the center who is even worse than me at taking pictures.

Here's some I took:

There's Albert Douche-holes. He had a terrible day yesterday, unlike me. Did I also mention the all you can eat food? Those tickets were only $50 and I drank $75 in beer and ate at least $20 in food. Better make that $25; I forgot about that cookie I got to go with my last beer.

There's Fredbird attacking someone. He does that a lot.

It was an awesome day. I am not an outside person. At all. But it was in the shade, and the beer and food was inside. I sat outside most of the time and made fun of all the people in the cheap seats. I could definitely be persuaded to do that again.

EARTHQUAKE!

2011-04-06T09:02:00.000-05:00

Well, my new web snapshot toolbar thingy does work, but this seems to be as big as I can get it (that's what he said).

So what the hell is this, you ask? This is my OCD, let me show it to you.

A couple of years ago we had an earthquake in Southern Illinois. It was awesome! It was like 5 in the morning and it woke everybody in the house. We live right next to a train crossing so we all are able to sleep through a certain amount of racket. But every single one of us knew that this was not a normal train sound. It was similar, but bigger. (That's what he said). And longer. (That's what he said). We all got up and turned on the news and sure enough, about 10 minutes later that was all Beth and Mike and John Champion (isn't that the coolest weatherman name ever?) were talking about. (And I miss Beth Bradley; I googled her and some message board said she was sleeping with the sports guy that left to go to Indy and she went with him).

We had an aftershock about 10 in the morning and as soon as I realized it, I got up and tried to run outside but it didn't last long enough. I was so disappointed. And thus my obsession with earthquakes began.

I spent way too much time that day on the USGS website. I signed up for email alerts of earthquakes in this area and my inbox has been flooded (that's what she said?) with emails every week. Earlier this year I noticed a lot of activity going on in the NE corner of Arkansas, so on March 1 I started saving every email I got about that area. Since March 1 I have had 195 emails about earthquakes there. Isn't that awesome? They are so lucky. I did some research on it and this phenomenon is called an earthquake swarm and is not at all uncommon, especially in this area. But they think that natural gas drilling in the area is impacting the swarm. They are trying to determine how exactly. It has something to do with frakking (doesn't it always?).

A Dozen or so Douches

2011-04-05T18:27:00.002-05:00

I have this friend (no, really) at work named Woody. Since I am in that hell-hole 50 or 60 hours a week, sometimes we spend time making up new words. Although scholars will tell you that fuck is the must versatile word in the English language, Woody and I are beginning to think that douche is making headway in that department.

Here's some of what we have come up with:

Nouche: Nerd douche

Gouche: Geek douche

Envirodouche: Special name for our Environmental Manager at the plant

Houche: Hippy douche (I lobbied for hipouche, but he thought it was too much like hippo)

Oldouche and Youche: You know, old and young douche

I know, we're fucking brilliant.

Oh, race car driver Kyle Busch is forever now known as Kyle Douche. If you know who he is, then you understand. If you don't, take my word for it.

Um, that's only seven. Let's see. There were more, but I drink heavily.

Hey, I'm going to the Cardinals game tomorrow to see Albert Douche-holes. Heh. Eight.

Oh, who's that douche that cries all the time? John Douchener. You know, speaker of the house John Douchener. Cries all the time. Whatever. Nine.

Okay, I said a dozen or so.

Or so.

A Confession...With Pictures!

2011-04-04T03:30:00.000-05:00

So, here goes: Copious amounts of cheap red wine (in a bottle or box) makes your poo green.

Time for pictures!

Okay, first, you didn't really think I was going to show a picture of green poo, did you? Come on, people, even I have my limits. No, that is my fridge and the dribbles of wine that collect on the floor of said fridge from the ever-present box o'wine. And yes, that crisper drawer is actually the side of an amazon box held in place with duct tape. (Insert overused Charlie Sheen-ism here)!

B Haiku

2011-04-02T00:01:00.001-05:00

My friend Rae wrote a lovely poem for A yesterday. Here's my attempt:

Look at the birdshit
and all the butterfly guts.
Time for a carwash!

Captures my feelings of the impending warm weather rather succinctly. Here's another:

My boobs are sticking
and my thighs are getting chafed.
Crank up the a/c!

Huh. I think I've got a real knack for this.

Where's the Skin-So-Soft?
I'm not going out in this.
West Nile Virus, y'all.

I could go on and on. And on and on and on.

Alphabetically Speaking

2011-04-01T10:39:00.000-05:00

I am soooo sorry, bloggy friends, for getting such a late start today. I was awoken this morning by a text message from my husband (at 9:30) thanking me for putting his lunch in the freezer last night. Said that was a nice touch. Hey, here's another A word for you, Asshole. Why didn't you thaw it out in the microwave before you left for work?

I have known about this challenge for well over a month, and I actually planned on having the whole month done and ready to post, but, you know, I'm me. After I got done crying over frozen soup this morning I laid in bed trying to think of something really good to write about. Obviously I didn't come up with anything. For a while I had thought I was going to write about the crush I had on Ashley Wilkes when I was a little girl, but I figure most people these days don't even know who that is. And it is kind of embarrassing, and I would never want to write about something embarrassing! Oh, and I did finally come to realize what a spineless twit Ashley was...I first saw the movie when I was about 5. By the time I was a teenager I was firmly in the Rhett Butler camp.

I am really nervous about what I am going to find to write about this year. I mean, honestly, how can I top J from last year? But then, I was having a meltdown by the letter U (and you notice how I don't link to that post!). I have a feeling that it may happen a little earlier this year. Before the darn thing had even started people were dropping by and giving me awards...I can't handle the pressure, y'all!

Ok, enough already. I am going to stop and go play a little Dance Central on the kinect (I have upgraded from the wii--by which I mean it is my son's and I asked him to move it to the living room so I could play it) and then I will come back and write B thru H so I won't have to worry about it next week. Hahahaha. Right.

Twofer

2011-03-31T13:21:00.000-05:00

I just couldn't resist. People love it when I blog out in the world on my iPad!

I am currently getting a pedicure at Hollywood Hair in Centralia, and they are kind enough to provide me with free wifi. Usually I just read on my iPad while I'm here, but that smutty werewolf novel I'm currently reading is kinda predictable so here I am, soaking my toes and blogging.

While I had me feet thrown up in the air last night, I noticed that they were kinda scruffy looking, so I thought I would treat myself (and my husband). Winning!

Huh, this weird spellchecky thing changed scrotty to scruffy. And just now it tried to change it to scepter. Bossy little iPad. Okay...see y'all tomorrow!

You People Are So Lucky

2011-03-31T09:24:00.000-05:00

Since the A to Z Challenge starts tomorrow, I figured I better get all the nastiness out today and I was all prepared to tell y'all about my trip to the Lion's Den yesterday. Yes, I drove 50 miles to buy a "marital aid" because I have such a super awesome car, and it was just about time for school to let out, that I didn't dare go to the local smut emporium where a large portion of CHS would see said awesome car and tell Jr. all about what his mom was doing.

So, why are you all so lucky? Because I got a Powerful Woman Award this morning in my inbox, and I decided to blog about that instead. I have posted it proudly over there on the right. Just so you know, I lovelovelove awards. Well, that's not completely accurate; I lovelovelove badges. Please feel free to give me all your stinkin' badges, or permission to lift them off your blogs, and I will.

But I will email the smutty details to you if you want to know how I managed to drop $175 (ask nicely at boxowhine@gmail.com)!

I Have An Awesome Friend!

2011-03-07T16:38:00.000-06:00

But I suck at taking pictures!

I Feel Vindicated

2011-02-23T18:17:00.000-06:00

I've been struggling lately. You see, I've been wondering if maybe I am crazy. But, then I think that the fact that I am even capable of wondering if I am crazy or not is proof that I am not crazy.

See, I have been having these thoughts, just random thoughts, of crashing my car. You know, running into oncoming traffic or slamming into a guard rail or something along those lines. It doesn't happen a lot, but it is increasing in number.

And it doesn't really scare me, not like the time that I had the thought that I would just like to go to sleep and never wake up. Just sleep forever and ever. That one scared me and I went to the doctor I was seeing for my back injury and he told me that the douche quack that put me on antidepressants to raise my pain level tolerance (which is actually quite high on it's own) should have either kept me on them or helped me get off them, not just quit prescribing them. Dr. Douche: don't go see him.

But today I read that The Bloggess has these thoughts of driving off cliffs and bridges and she is probably the sanest person I (don't really) know. So, there you have it...I'm not crazy. And I suddenly want Mexican food.

Wouldn't You?

2011-02-11T15:09:00.000-06:00

It's kinda blurry, but the use by date is 06/04. This is a jar of cherries, and I needed one for my Tom Collins.
Yes, it is 3:00, but I have to get up at 3:00 in the a.m. (did you know they had a 3 in the morning, too?) so I need to get started now.

The jar popped when I opened it, and they smelled fine. They are not quite as red as they probably once were, but neither am I. Whatever that means. So, into my Christmas Tree Drink they went. Yum. If this is the last post I ever write, please know that I enjoyed that drink a lot.

Well...

2011-02-10T16:48:00.000-06:00

...to say that I do not love this new layout is putting it mildly.

But dear, sweet Beth could not read my green font.

The name of this layout is wine, but the glass o'wine seems to have been lost in translation. Why should I even care? I hardly even post anymore, so what the whoop, huh?

Ok, I will leave 'er be for the time being. She may grow on me.

My Apologies

2011-02-03T16:42:00.000-06:00

Okay, I have so much to apologize for, I really don't even know where to begin.

First, Rae...I'm sorry that I have not mailed you your present. I can't find it. True story. When Buckethead was here last month and heard about it she said she wanted one so I looked all over hell and half of Georgia for it, to no avail. It will turn up one of these days and boy won't you be surprised.

Secondly, Boy of Buckethead, aka the Boy Who is Not My Godson Because I Cannot Be Entrusted With Anyone's Spiritual Care, I really did not forget your birthday. I was at work when I thought of it and then I came home and drank too much (no, really) and forgot to call you. And then the same exact thing happened the next day. And by the third day I was embarrassed. And on the fourth day I really did forget. I'm sorry.

There are a couple more apologies I should make now, but I wouldn't really mean them. I really think everyone in the tri-county, possibly quad-county, area is stupid and a horrible driver and they should just get the fuck out of my way. I am in a bad mood and I do not want to be fucked with, capisce? Now get the fuck out of my way and leave me all the good parking spaces at Krogers. And Kmart. Go fucking crazy out on the west side of town, I don't go there.

Oy...somebody owes me an apology, I think. All those fucking meteorologists that promised me the fucking storm of the century...where's the devastation and destruction, huh? I stocked up on propane and chef boyardee ravioli and prepared to hunker down, and what did I get? Half a fucking inch of ice and even less snow. Whop-dee-fucking-doo. And my power only went out for 4 hours. From 9:00 pm to 1 am, when I was sleeping anyway. Thanks a lot, fuckwads.

Ok, well, that feels good. Now I need a Tom Collins (yes, I have temporarily switched to gin...it's yummy). I hear there is another A to Z Challenge planned for April and I am looking forward to it. Instead of trying to be funny and get lots of people to follow me, I think I will be really mean and try to alienate every one. Less stressful for me that way.

Dave and Buster's

2010-12-30T15:55:00.000-06:00

It is just so freakin' cool to be sitting here in Dave and Buster's while my son and his little friend play games and compose a blog post on my frakin' awesome iPad. Had I mentioned that I got one for Xmas? No? Well I did...and the spell check on here is also freakin' awesome. I can't figure how to upload a picture yet, but I will work on that. Just you wait!

Woohoo

2010-12-25T20:29:00.000-06:00

Do my posts look any more awesome whence typed on my iPad?

Yeah, I thought so.

2010-12-24T15:37:00.000-06:00

Is this thing on???

It is 3:30 on Christmas Eve. I have just finished my first bottle of wine. I have run my finger along the edge of the french dip container. "A League of Their Own" is on, an email of good ta-ta tidings in my in box. This is the perfect day. Snow falling, eggnog fudge cooling in the fridge. I love life.

Best Xmas Present Ever (non-jewelry category)!

2010-12-21T06:18:00.000-06:00

Do you see the dust that I see? And what the fuck is up with that snowman's belly button?

There, Buckethead. Now stop harassing me and Rae.

Best Xmas Present Ever!

2010-12-17T16:28:00.000-06:00

My daughter (who is 19) sure knows her mama!

It's My Party...

2010-11-26T23:15:00.000-06:00

...and I'll Chryifiwant2!

Yes, that's right. I'm having a party and y'all are invited! As you can see, I bought plenty of food. Oh, and a gallon of milk, just in case. So, put your dancing shoes on and I will see you Sunday from 2 until 6. I have plenty of wine and jello shooters. And food, of course. If anyone shows up I will take their picture and post it!

TA-DA!

2010-11-17T18:43:00.000-06:00

Back in Business

2010-11-17T16:32:00.000-06:00

Okay, I'm going to the wine store because I have a lot of work to do! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!

Not to worry

2010-10-23T19:26:00.000-05:00

Here it is, one week later, and once again I'm drinking.

But don't worry. Nothing inappropriate. I'm watching the game and shake and baking some pork chops.

The wisdom teeth are out and I am gonna schedule a 2 for 1 boob smash with my friend Rae. Everything is good.

I'll try and post a pic of my awesome manicure later.

Love ya!

Be Afraid

2010-10-17T03:09:00.000-05:00

OK, first of all...I don't like this laptop.

Second of all?

I got off work at 11, was home by 11:45, and that whole big bottle of wine?

GONE>

oopsy

And pre3vacid?

Doesn't work as good as prilosec and I am outta FSA.

And obamacare doesn't include FSA in the reform and I need heartburn relief.

And I'm a democrat, y'all.

I can't turn off italics cuz I drNK THAT WHIOLE BITTLE OFF
PINK RIBBON WINE FROM SCHNUCKS.

Caps off? Yes. Italics???

N
There

OMG laptops r hard, y'all.

My Apologies

2010-10-01T17:15:00.000-05:00

Okay, girls, I have to make this quick. I snuck into my daughter's room (Really, SpellCheck? Snuck is so a word!) to use her laptop because I still don't have a computer and it is really hard to blog on the wii. Rae doesn't seem to care about that, though. No, she thinks I've been slacking. And she's right.

But, I have been blogging all along. It's just been in my head. And I have been brilliant. And so have you! Your comments have really kept me going. In my head.

Now, I just want to share some crazy news with you. This afternoon while I was lounging in my chair in my pajamas, watching a marathon of Glee Season 1 and crying like the little girl I am, someone stopped at my house and knocked on my door. Right in the middle of Sue Sylvester's Vogue video. Generally I don't answer the door in my pajamas, but I was totally gobsmacked by a visitor at 3:30 in the afternoon so I opened the door. There was a young lady standing there. Do you know what she wanted? Do you? She wanted to know if that was my super awesome green car parked in the driveway! When I answered in the affirmative she told me that her sister was filming a music video tomorrow morning at the junior high and would I please bring it by there so they could use it in said video.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I said sure, no problem. Centralia Junior High School at 8:30 until 11.

Oops, looks like I'm gonna be late for work!

The artisit's name is Skiddals, apparently. I read about it in the paper a day or two ago. I think it's hiphop. I don't really care. I can not believe this woman drove all the way out into the country to find my car! Of course I will be there!

When it gets on youtube I will post a link so y'all can see it.

Oh, and we are probably cutting beans next week so that means that I can get a new computer and will be back to blogging soon!

Now I need to get back to Sue and the gang so I can hurry up and start watching this season of Glee on the dvr. I am dying to see Britney/Brittany!

Guess What?

2010-08-18T22:04:00.000-05:00

Yeah, that's my bacon tray up in the upper right corner. My whole house smells of bacon right now. Mmmmm.

Just so you know, I had a fabuloso hair day today and I drove all over creation in my awesome car with the sun roof open, blowing my curly red hair all over the place, feeling like a goddess. Then I gave blood.

Then I drank wine, and wine, and wine. And my husband came home, and we were all alone. The End.

HA!

Hello, Bloggers...

2010-08-13T21:33:00.000-05:00

...Did you miss me? Huh? 'Cause I sure missed you.

No, really, I did!

But I've been kinda busy, what with my new car and all (yes, I think you should go and look at it again).

And I am STILL having crazy computer issues. Right now I am using my old computer that runs Windows 98. Remember how awesome Windows 98 was? Yeah, me either. It sucks balls.

But school starts Tuesday and I should be able to get back into the swing of things. This is the second week of the summer that I have only worked 40 hours and it is pretty awesome. The ole OT has just about dried up and I am ready to get back to some WhineTime.

Just to be clear, there was plenty of WineTime this summer. I don't want you to think I was derelict in all of my duties.

So? Here's to us...let's catch up soon, m'kay?

Drumroll, Please

2010-08-11T00:38:00.000-05:00

checking in

2010-07-09T20:04:00.002-05:00

Just letting you know...I'm still here. I have a new car!! It's most beautamous and once I find my camera I will show you.

Prepare to be amazed!

Hello, Bloggers

2010-06-18T23:48:00.001-05:00

Yes, I'm still here. Things have been crazy and my computer sucks. I am currently inebriated in Nashville.

Oh, guess what? I'm n the market for a new car. I'm so excited. I think I will get it next week...it's awesome. I'll let you know.

I'm really sorry that my daily blog posting fell apart for June. I had great things to tell you. We'll all admire my new car when I get it. In the mean time I'll look for a new knock knock joke.

Teaser: It's green!

Knock Knock

2010-06-10T01:19:00.000-05:00

Who's There?

Impatient Cow

Impatient C..

MOO!!!

Technical difficulties

2010-06-08T00:48:00.000-05:00

I am having to type this out on my wii. My computer is crap. All of you should try to post on your wii with that damn remote or whatever you call this thing. Ah, yes, the controller vibrating in your hand. How does it make that noise? Why does it make that noise?

Seriously...this has taken me like 10 minutes. I'm outty.

Cinco de Juno

2010-06-05T09:10:00.000-05:00

Since the writing prompt wasn't up early enough yesterday I thought I would save it for today (since there aren't any for the weekends).

Friday, June 4, 2010
What's the first thing that pops into your mind when you think of your father?

Um. No.

This is father's day month, isn't it? Crap. Well, I don't have time for this.

Wait, yes I do. The absolute first thing that pops into my head is vodka and lemonade.

There...that wasn't so bad. I'm sure there will be more father-related posts this month and I will deal with it when they come (I said come). I have to go to my regular shift of 11 am to 11 pm this weekend and work with people that I really don't care for so I don't need to be making an emotional wreck out of myself right now.

By the way, I sure did sleep good yesterday after that wine. Didn't have a headache or anything, either!

June Superfecta

2010-06-04T08:44:00.000-05:00

It's 8:30 in the morning...guess what I'm doing?

Yes, my friends, that is cheap box o'wine in that plastic cup. The absolute best part of working midnights is coming home and drinking! It makes it almost worthwhile.

Fussy hasn't posted the writing prompt for today and I need to go to bed so I can get up and go back to work at 7 pm. Did I mention that I am working. Every. Single. Day. Until June 17th? Lots of whine in your futures, dumplings.

Where was I? I don't know. Guess I'll just clear up a thing or two from the previous posts.

No, I don't wear daisy dukes. But I could if I wanted to. I just meant that I don't have to cover up from head to toe in dark wool. I probably should, but that's another post altogether.

(whoo, wine goes straight to your head when you've been up for 23 hours)

Um. Yeah. Lost it. Huh. Well, technically this counts as posting every day for June. Screw the prompts. It's my blog after all.

Oh, yeah, now I remember; Blagojevich. That's my esteemed former Illinois governor that I voted for twice. Hey, Buckethead, remember when we shunned the republicans at the Halloween Parade and that one lady yelled at you and you told her you loved your governor...in Tennessee. Good times. Norway.

Okay, I am officially goofy. I need to go to bed. See y'all tomorrowish.

June Troika

2010-06-03T17:52:00.001-05:00

Thursday, June 3, 2010
Define "freedom."

Oh that Fussy. How does she come up with these things?

It's too hard. I don't get too serious here.

Sheesh. I've written and re-written. I don't know.

Being fortunate enough to be born here, freedom is something I take for granted. I can't imagine living in a place where I couldn't pick up a newspaper and read about what a schmuck my ex-governor is. I also can't imagine living in a place where I wasn't given the opportunity to vote for said schmuck not just once, but twice. Not only was I given that opportunity but I availed myself of it. You're welcome, America.

I can put on a pair of daisy dukes, drink a beer, and go outside and shoot a gun. Not all women can do that. Isn't that sad? This is truly a great country.

I hope tomorrow is easier.

june the duece

2010-06-02T11:27:00.001-05:00

Writing Prompt for June 2:

What's your favorite poem (and if you don't have one, why)?

Ok, I'm not a poetry person. I remember swooning to a couple of sonnets in high school, but I don't have the inclination to go looking for them now.

Then I thought, I really liked that I Sing the Body Electric song that they sang at the end of the movie Fame.

Guess what? The only thing that song has in common with Walt Whitman's poem is the title. Have you read that particular part of Leaves of Grass? That dude is kinda pervy. I like it. But I like the song better (no talk of bowels).

I sing the body electric
I celebrate the me yet to come
I toast to my own reunion
When I become one with the sun

And I'll look back on Venus
I'll look back on Mars
And I'll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars

I sing the body electric
I glory in the glow of rebirth
Creating my own tomorrow
When I shall embody the earth

And I'll serenade Venus
I'll serenade Mars
And I'll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars

We are the emperors now
And we are the czars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars

June the first

2010-06-01T17:30:00.000-05:00

As if I don't have enough crap going on...I thought I'd try to blog every day this month.

nablopomo has writing prompts every day, so here goes:

Writing Prompt for Tuesday, June 1, 2010

When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to be a cocktail waitress. For reals. I wanted to wear that little frilly tutu skirt and fishnet hose and carry drinks around on a tray.

Awesome. Now I feel like a failure.

See you tomorrow.

Where's (323) at?!!?

2010-05-25T12:58:00.000-05:00

LOST (no spoiler)

2010-05-23T23:02:00.000-05:00

Ooh, look, it's a twofer.

Since Beth is a few episodes behind I won't ruin it. But. Best. Ending. Ever.

Just beautiful.

Commencement

2010-05-23T17:05:00.000-05:00

Hello Poppets! I haven't forgotten you, I've just been busy with all this graduation nonsense. Oh, and I got a wii for Mother's Day and I've been playin' the hell out of it. Seriously. My shoulder hurts from all the bowling and tennis.

But today was the big day and now I am left here all alone to drink my box o' wine and cry because my daughter just stormed out of the house, slamming all the doors, because I won't let her spend the night at her boyfriend's house. That's stupid! she screamed.

Oh, well. That wasn't the first time (by far) and evidently will not be the last time she will scream at me. At least the outbursts are fewer and further between.

Other than that we had a lovely weekend...my house got cleaned in between wii games and I cooked enough food for the county. My neighbors stopped by and came inside my house for the first time in 13 years. My grandparents and aunt came all the way from Iowa. Only 3 important people were missing and I didn't cry once because of it (until now).

pleh

I'm back to 60 hour work weeks starting tomorrow but I am ready to give my new blogging schedule a go. Hope to be chatting with you fine folks soon. I have wine to drink and four and a half hours of LOST to watch. See you soon.

May Fete

2010-05-08T10:12:00.000-05:00

This will give you an idea of what the May Pole looked like. My daughter is the only one in green...she comes into the shot front and center around 1:45 I believe.

Five Things

2010-05-07T12:20:00.000-05:00

I really don't understand this fascination with my inner machinations. I am not that interesting and I am about to prove it.

WHERE WERE YOU FIVE YEARS AGO?

1. In this house

2. Working the same exact job

3. Volunteering at the grade school (I miss that)

4. My truck had not been mutilated

5. I didn't have any gray hair

WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE FIVE YEARS FROM NOW?

1. In this house with no children, a remodeled kitchen, a hot tub, and no gray hair
2. At my new job in the Chem Lab working a much better schedule
3. Driving a new Camaro
4. Still waiting for grandkids
5. Able to afford someone to come in and dust my house

WHAT IS ON MY TO DO LIST TODAY?

1. Have a "date" with my husband at 1:00 (sorry, y'all, but it is #1 on my list)

2. Take a shower after said date

3. Make this rice because Melody hasn't got around to telling me if it's any good or not

4. Go back to May Fete with Aunt Buckethead and cry some more

5. Try to convince Aunt Buckethead that we really need to drink those hurricanes tonight

WHAT FIVE SNACKS DO I ENJOY?

1. Fritos Scoops with salsa mixed with sour cream

2. Beefy 5 layer burritos from Taco Bell

3. Stuffed Mushrooms

4. Raspberry Bliss Chocolates

5. Pistachios (right, Aunt Buckethead?)

WHAT WOULD I DO IF I WERE A BILLIONAIRE?

1. Buy that 37 acres on Kaskaskia Island and build a house that could float
2. Make sure kids had nice houses and severely limited trust funds
3. Buy an Escalade
4. Give to charities
5. Help the libraries in Mt. Vernon and Centralia

Now I'm supposed to tag five others but I bet most of you have already done it. If you have, leave me a comment with a link to the post you already did. If you haven't already done it but would like to, leave me a comment letting me know and I will stop by and find out how much more fascinating you are than me!

The Award

2010-05-07T11:25:00.000-05:00

You know, when I asked for your old badges, I didn't expect to have to work for them. I just wanted to stick them up in my sidebar and proudly display them as my own. But no. I have to be all introspective and crap. Sheesh.

The rules are that I have to list 3 good things about myself. Hmmm.

1. I am extremely loyal. Like a dog loyal. If you don't like somebody, I don't like somebody. If you don't carry a grudge against someone who has done you wrong? I'll carry it for you. Forever.

2. I am the world's best quarters player. Never EVER been beaten. (What's that you say? You don't know what quarters is? It's a drinking game. You have to bounce a quarter into a shot glass. If you make it, everyone else at the table has to drink.) My secret weapon was dropping it off my nose! I would hold the quarter up on the bridge of my nose between my eyes with my two thumbs. Then I would let go and the quarter would roll down my nose, bounce once on the table, then land right in the shot glass. Every. Single. Time. I haven't actually played this game in 20 years or so but every now and again I get my Elvis shot glass down just to see if I can still do it. Of course I can. It's just like riding a bike!

3. I have nice handwriting. When we started learning cursive in third grade I had a really hard time. I had D's in penmanship for 2 years. I had a really nice teacher in 5th grade and she gave me some books to use to practice with and I worked really hard and got the best penmanship award out of the whole school! I still have that certificate somewhere. If I take my time I can still write just like I did in 5th grade, which looks just like the writing in those books she gave me..

You would not believe how long it took me to come up with those 3 things. May not be that earth-shattering of revelations, but it was the best I could do. Please don't make me do this again! But I will still gladly take your old unwanted badges, no strings attached. And Yvonne, I think I can get one of your elebenty thousand badges off your blog if you will let me take one. I kind of have my eye on one.

I Need Your Steenking Badges!

2010-05-04T05:08:00.002-05:00

Hey, blogaholics! This nice lady told me how to add badges to my blog! I already added two...see them right over there on the right? So, if you have some badges you're not using or would like to get rid of, give them to me! I'll stick 'em up over there. I don't care what they are. Well, that's not entirely true.

We should totally start a freecycle for blog badges!

My Little Oedipus

2010-05-04T05:01:00.000-05:00

Son: Kassi watches Friends every afternoon after school.

Me: Cool.

Son: And she likes Bruce Springsteen. And Elvis Costello.

Me: Awesome!

Son: And she really likes The Office.

Me: I know.

Son: I think she's you.

Me: She doesn't look anything like me...

Son: You're prettier.

Me: Do you have enough gas? Here's $20.

A to Z Recap

2010-05-03T09:21:00.000-05:00

Whew. I'm glad that's over.

I found out about the challenge from my blogtacular friend Rae (maybe you've heard me mention her?). I have taken part in NaBloPoMo, both successfully and unsuccessfully, so I thought I would give this one a try. I thought having a letter to blog about each day would make it easier.

Um. No.

I had a lot of fun, though. It was kind of intoxicating there at the beginning, when I started to get followers and comments. Then it became kind of stressful and I had a little meltdown there around U and V.

But I made it through, thanks to some of my new friends, like her and her. They really kept me going!

I don't think I will be able to post 6 or 7 times a week, but I am definitely going to try to develop a schedule with certain types of posts for certain days. I may even set aside one day a week to write the posts that I listed in my (U)npost that I really wanted to blog about. I need to get back to my whiny roots, that's for darn sure.

I wish I had figured out how to post the badge on my blog. I was trying not to show my ignorance after the whole comment debacle. And I have no idea what this linky link thing is, but I will give it a try.

All in all, I really enjoyed this challenge and I am thankful to arlee bird for all his hard work.

(Z)oloft...

2010-04-30T14:20:00.000-05:00

...or prozac. I'm not picky.

It's been a helluva month and I am glad it is over. I really hope that I will stop waking up in the middle of sleep time (which isn't always night time) thinking about blog posts. And then not being able to go back to sleep. That sucks balls.

My next big task is getting us through May Fete (here are some pictures). My daughter is wrapping the May Pole. Look all the way at the bottom of that page in the link to see that. Only hers won't look anything like that because they aren't wearing matching dresses. And the streamers are black and gray. They are calling it the Trash Pole. I'm sure it will be lovely, anyway.

Then, of course, is the small matter of graduation. I can't see any way around cleaning my house. I would hire it done but I think I still have to pick up my shit and put it away somewhere, so what's the point? We are going to have an open house for her so I need to break out the old chocolate fountain and see if it is still slinging chocolate everywhere. So I shouldn't start cleaning before that. And I will have to eat an ass-load of chocolate, too, because that is what it takes to fill up the chocolate fountain--an ass-load. Said chocolate fountain was a 40th b-day present from bff (who claims to be reading this blog again--we'll see if she really is: Hi Aunt Buckethead!)

Okay. Well, it's very much like me to go out on a low note, so I think I'll just leave my zoloft reference where it is and call it good. Guess there is a "What I Did For My A to Z Challege" post on Monday (or is it tomorrow? Guess I better check on that) and then we can officially be done. Yay!

(Y)ou'uns

2010-04-29T00:01:00.001-05:00

What's that you might ask?

I don't really know. I'm not even sure that's how you spell it.

When I first moved to this place I thought everybody was talking about the family from the tv show Dallas. You know, the Ewin's. And I couldn't figure out why for the life of me.

My best guess is that it is a contraction for you ones.

Southern Illinois is a really funny place, phonetically. Hey, it's a word; spellcheck says so.

A lot of people around here have quite a southern-style twang, yet instead of using the correct word, ya'll, they say you'uns. Even the school teachers, who are mostly somewhat educated. A lot of these people say warsh, too, which I always thought was a more yankee thing.

In Iowa, where I lived until I was 15, we drank pop. When I moved to Tennessee we drank coke. Not Coke, coke. As in, "What do you want to drink?" "I'll have a coke." "What kind?" "Mountain Dew." Here? Soda. Actually, it's pronounced SO-dee. That particular word I have actually taken a shine to. I say it all the time.

Another thing they get wrong around here? Chipmunks. Everybody (in Des Moines, IA) knows they are squinnies.

(x)m and me

2010-04-28T00:01:00.001-05:00

(First, I have to tell you that I have been feverishly singing the abc's to myself trying to figure out what letter I missed...I wrote my W post yesterday--Monday--and scheduled it for Tuesday--today. I had to go look at the calendar where my daughter was kind enough to write out all the letters on their corresponding days because she knows me so well. When I saw all the other W posts when I was sitting down to compose my X post, I got really confused. Then I remembered that I scheduled it because I had to work until 3 am and I wasn't getting up until noon because I have to work until 3 am again tonight and then get up at noon so I can go back to work again on Wednesday, but that is only for 8 hours, so...what? Oh, yeah. It's Tuesday and I am writing my X post for tomorrow instead of cooking something for my family to eat tonight because I love ya'll so much.)

One of the best presents I ever got was an xm radio. I had heard about it and asked for one for Christmas. I was promptly shot down.

"I ain't payin' money for you to listen to the radio!"

(That was my husband, btw.)

Well, he did a little asking around and all the people he found that had one all really liked it and said they were sure that I would really enjoy it. So he bought one, and a fancy boombox adapter thingy for the house as well as the car set up. Then he waited for Christmas to roll around.

I cried when I opened it. He loves to do that to me. He will now tell you that it was the best money he ever spent. I listen to it all the time and I have heard so many artists that I never would have. I usually listen to the 70's station--that's where I learned that Bruce Springsteen had written "Blinded By The Light". If you listen to his version you may even be able to understand some more of the words (it isn't "wrapped up like a douche" after all).

One night coming home from work I was listening to the alt. country station and heard a bluegrass version of Dirty Deeds by Ac/Dc.

You're welcome.

(W)ork

2010-04-27T00:01:00.002-05:00

The one thing I wish I could blog about is my work.

But I'm afraid to.

I have one friend at work (really, it's true) that knows about this blog. He and I are someday going to start a blog together if he ever gets a new laptop. Anyway, some of my other co-workers have overheard us talking about it and have expressed an interest in it, but I don't want them here! How can I talk about them if they are going to read it?

I keep hearing how you are supposed to be really careful about what you put out on the web because someday it may bite you in the ass; you know, keep you from getting a job or something. I have no professional aspirations, factory-related, so I'm not really concerned with that. But I did sign a confidentiality agreement 15 years ago. That was before blogs, so that wasn't exactly what they had in mind. It's more like not discussing the inner machinations with reporters (they actually try to enforce that one every time we have a union drive) and taking pictures because we evidently have some top-secret stuff in there.

Now that everybody has a cell phone that's hard to enforce. I actually took a picture of a mural they painted on a bathroom wall once because it was just so bizarre I wanted to show my husband. I felt like a spy trying to covertly snap some secret documents for the government. I probably wouldn't get fired for that. But there is a piece of equipment that blew up about a month ago and I have to walk by it every day. It just flew apart mid-cycle one day and now it is cordoned off with caution tape and there is a note taped up to it explaining that the weld just blew in the middle of the cycle--not opening or closing. It looks like it has been bombed and it is kind of scary to walk by because crap went flying everywhere when it happened and somebody could have been killed. They might fire me for taking a picture of that.

I work with some real assholes and I would love to tell you about them but it would be really awkward to have to stand next to them for 12 hours while they are glaring at me thinking You call me Melonhead and now everybody calls me that behind my back and you told the whole internet that I have a great big head and like to look at child porn?

That could be uncomfortable.

(V)indication

2010-04-26T00:48:00.000-05:00

You know, this A to Z Challenge has made me stretch my brain muscles to come up with these posts. I'm sure that was the point, and I think it is a fine one.

But.

I'm not sure that it's for me.

I started this blog so I could whine and gripe about things in my life. Things that I realize aren't important to anyone but me.

And that's okay.

Then I found Rae. Well, actually, she found me. And it was nice to hear from her, have her leave me a comment. And I would read her posts when I could (she sure is prolific) and comment when I could think of something to say. No pressure. Then I read she was taking part in the Challenge, and I thought I can do that.

And it was fun, too. Then people started dropping by and saying nice things and that was awesome! But the pressure. Did. Not. Like. I began to dread the thought of logging on; having to sit down and write something that someone else would like to read. Ick.

Now, I realize that this is pressure I am putting on myself. None of you said or did anything that made me feel like this. (Except you, person who stopped following me...you are the only sane one here and we should all follow your lead!) So I wrote my unpost; the one post that made me laugh the most out of all of these. And then I did something I regret. I changed it so it wouldn't be that offensive. Yes, ya'll, it was worse than what you read. But it was pure, unadulterated me and I liked it. But I didn't think you would like it so I changed it and I've been pissed off ever since.

So, where do I stand now? In my living room in my panties. Actually I'm sitting. No, really. I'm going to finish this challenge because I started it (only 4 to go!) and then I'm going to go back to drinking too much wine and complaining about my hair.

(U)npost

2010-04-24T08:58:00.000-05:00

So, these are just some of the topics I could have posted about this month, but didn't. Mostly because they are totally inappropriate. You've been warned.

(A)blations are awesome

(B)ooty calls

(C)anadians--why I hate them

(D)umb people make me angry

(E)verybody loves oral

(F)**k--the most versatile word in the English language
(honestly! it's a noun! it's a verb! it's an adjective!)

(G)ermans aren't much better than Canadians

(H)ello herpes

(I) please myself

(J)ust say no to Jehovah's Witnesses

(K)egels

(L)ove in the afternoon

(M)oms do it, too

(N)aked time

(O)h I am noticing a trend

(P)lease don't mention sex anymore

(Q)ueefs

(R)eally? Queefs?

(S)o much for no sex

(T)hat's the spot

(U)vulas

I actually had some even worse ones but I didn't think you could handle it. And before you tell me not to be prejudice, I have a very good reason to not like Canadians and Germans. I know that aren't all bad; just most of them are.

And I promise I won't post about (V)aginas on Monday.

(T)enacious C

2010-04-23T17:18:00.000-05:00

It's official, Interwebz. I'm out of topics. No clue. Me and my blogalicious friend Rae are both surprised that I have managed to make it this far, but it is all about to come to a screeching halt I'm afraid.

I could post about my stripper name, I suppose; (T)inkerbell (T)edder. Eh.

I could post about that (T)asty chicken I had today. But guess what? It wasn't as awesome as I had hoped it would be. That zesty sauce is kinda gross.

(T)ennessee is just too obvious.

It was probably apparent yesterday that I was running out of ideas. I don't want to have to post another youtube video. But, hey, I just had an idea for (U) for tomorrow. Yay! Boy, are you in for a treat.

(S)pringsteen at the (S)ommett

2010-04-22T10:39:00.000-05:00

I was there, ya'll, and it was awesome. This here combines my love of Bruce and my guilt over the dog.

(R)ocky Top, (R)hubarb (R)ecipe, and a (R)eally Expensive Ironing Board

2010-04-21T12:47:00.001-05:00

You may have figured out by now that my love of all things orange stems from my love of Tennessee. Since it's my blog and I can do whatever I want (and some of you people will read anything), here goes:

I wanted to show you my church key because it wasn't working properly and it was really funny, but then it started to perform. Every. Single. Time. You can even hear me humming in the background:
Rocky Top was the first song I taught me kids to sing. True story. The second one was You Never Even Called Me By My Name by David Alan Coe. Then the Alphabet Song. That is why I won that Mother of the Year Award that one year.

Okay, on to rhubarb. I was on my way to buy some rhubarb plants Monday when I was so rudely interrupted. This is what I was hoping to make someday:

Mexican Rhubarb Chocolate Chunk Brownies

Ingredients

For the rhubarb compote:

1 cup rhubarb, strings removed, cut in 1/2-inch slices
1/4 cup water
2 tablespoons granulated sugar

For the brownie batter:

3/4 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 tablespoon New Mexico chile powder (not chili powder)
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
2 ounces bittersweet chocolate
2 ounces unsweetened chocolate
1/2 cup unsalted butter (1 stick), room temperature
1 1/2 cups granulated sugar
2 large eggs, room temperature
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon dark rum
2 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
1/4 cup chopped walnuts
Shortening spray, for baking dish

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

To make the rhubarb compote: In a small saucepan over medium heat, bring rhubarb, water and sugar to a boil. When sugar is dissolved, lower heat to a simmer and cook until rhubarb is soft, about 10 minutes. Remove from heat and cool slightly. Puree in a blender until smooth, if necessary. The rhubarb should break down to a smooth compote.

To make the brownie batter: In a medium bowl, sift together flour, baking powder, Chile powder, cinnamon and salt. Set aside. In a clean microwavable glass bowl, melt bittersweet and unsweetened chocolate together in the microwave at 50 percent power or in a double boiler. Set aside.

In a stand mixer, cream butter and sugar on medium speed. Add the eggs, 1 at a time, combining well. Add in the vanilla and rum. Stir the rhubarb into the chocolate mixture, then add to the batter. Mix until combined. Add the flour mixture and mix just until incorporated. Scrape down the sides with a rubber spatula and gently fold in the semisweet chocolate and walnuts. Do not over mix. Spray an 8 by 8 by 2-inch clear glass baking dish with shortening spray. Line bottom with parchment paper, then spray parchment. Pour batter into the prepared pan and smooth out top. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 35 to 40 minutes. Remove from the oven and set aside to cool. Cut into squares and serve.

Hopefully they won't be nasty. It could go either way.

And finally, about that $200 ironing board?

It came with instructions.

(Q)ue Pasa USA

2010-04-20T11:39:00.000-05:00

Do you remember this show?

We didn't get cable until I was in junior high school. We only had 4 channels, so I watched a LOT of pbs. I was probably the only 10 year old who watched The Forsythe Saga and Masterpiece Theater. I watched Julia Child, too. I still love her.

Even after we got cable I continued to watch Masterpiece. If it wasn't for that show I may have never found Jane Austen! For the record, I prefer the 1980 version that I saw on Masterpiece with this Mr. Darcy, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with this guy.

Oh, before I go, remember that pazillion things I had to do yesterday? My first stop was Anchor to get some tomato plants and look for some rhubarb and this is what I got, instead:

Well, you can't really see it there. Let's try this:

Yeah, I got hit. Never even saw it. Or felt it, for that matter. Poor girl that hit me can't say the same. My blue baby kept me safe but she is damaged and it hurts my heart. A lot. I love that truck too much. Needless to say I lost my initiative after that. I still managed to get to Kmart and spend $200! I bought an ironing board for pity's sake. I didn't think I hit my head, but I must have.

A (P)lethora of (P)s

2010-04-19T11:19:00.000-05:00

I really have a (P)azillion (see how I did that? Not gazillion, pazillion. With a p.) thing s to do today. After struggling with (N) and (O) I just have too many (P)s! And no time.

My first thought was a post on (P)oints. I'm a sucker for 'em. It all started with mypoints. I get emails everyday and I click on the link and get 5 points. Sometimes I am actually interested in whatever it is and I will buy it; sometimes I get points for signing up for a newsletter. I sent flowers to someone today and got 750 points. I have earned just about 50,000 points since I started and I redeem them for $50 amazon e-gift certificates every 7500 points. You can get all kinds of things with your points but I like amazon.

That's not so crazy--you can see the reward in all of those points. What is crazy is my incessant need to accumulate points at spark people. Spark People is a weight loss web site and they give out points for different activities. The funny thing is I got 25 points from mypoints for signing up at Spark People, but now every day I read emails from them and get 1 point. I log in every day and spin the wheel and get points. I even lie and say that I drink 8 glasses of water every day so I can get 5 points. Instead of availing myself of all the tools they have there to work on losing weight, I hoard points. And I can't even get anything with them! I'm up over 7500 now. They give me a little trophy icon according to how many points I have and I just eat it up.

The next (P) I thought of was (P)rotection. My son has a new girlfriend. He is 16. I got to have THE TALK with him Saturday morning. Lord knows if anyone is going to make me a grandma it is going to be him. His sister is almost 19 and is on the pill, paid for by me. I figured I should do the same for him. He says this girl is abstinent but we all know that doesn't last. I think I handled the conversation pretty well, except for all the nervous laughter. And I only lost my cool once, when he told me she was a vegetarian. "Good Lord, Son, I think I'd rather you bring home a baptist." And I'm only half kidding.

No, the (P) I finally settled on is (P)olka. I love it. There is a polka band from Ashley IL, which is only about 20 miles from here, that I have seen on the Big Joe Polka Show, but I can't remember their name. My daughter went to a car show in Ashley last summer and called me to tell me that they were there playing that "stupid song you like". She's a doll, really. I couldn't find anything on this band, of course, so I will leave you with a clip of the Polka Nuts:

I believe you can see them this Thursday night on Big Joe on RFDTV at 6pm Central time. (And I really hope there is beer in heaven.)

(O)CD

2010-04-17T01:28:00.001-05:00

It was documented earlier in the challenge that I am not a neat person. That makes this next piece of information all the more perplexing.

I work in a lab in a factory and we test samples there. These samples arrive in a tube through a pneumatic tube system, like at banks. We open the tube, cut pieces off of the samples to be tested, stack the remaining pieces up on the table in front of us, and send the tube back. We then load the cut pieces into the appropriate equipment to be tested. We have banks of these tube systems and depending on which side you are working on you are receiving tubes from 2 to 4 different places. Usually it is 3. So you have 3 stacks that you are working on at once.

Okay, so I'm a slob. I have no trouble living amid clutter and chaos. But when I am at work...I can't. My stacks have got to be perfect. I will stop what I am doing and re-stack them if they start getting wonky. When I come back from break I will re-stack what the relief person stacked while I am gone. My co-workers are all aware of this, shall we say, fetish of mine. Some of them will just leave my samples lying on the table if they have to cut any for me so I can stack them my own way.

It wouldn't be such a big deal if these stacks were important in any way, but they're not. At the end of the shift they are taken downstairs and recycled. Who cares if mine are the prettiest on the pallet? No one, that's who. And, no kidding, every day when I come back from break I tell myself to just let it go; it's not a big deal at all. But I just can't. I get this really heavy pressure in my chest and it gets really hard to breath and I hear a ringing in my ears. And I. Must. Re. Stack.

There, that's better.

(N)o Duh

2010-04-16T13:26:00.000-05:00

I was informed at the beginning of this week that I am immature and mean.

No! You're kidding me!

I guess she thought this would be some kind of revelation to me, but, (N)o, it was (N)ot.

I'm not always mean, of course. I can be nice, when I want to be. As I get older, though, it seems that I can't hold my tongue quite so much and what I am thinking just comes tumbling out of my mouth and people construe it as mean. I like to think of myself as honest. Sorry if it stings. (This also applies to the keyboard. Add wine and we are in for a lot of fun).

And I am sure it is a sign of my immaturity that I can't keep my snide remarks to myself. At least that was this individual's thought. It quite possibly is true. I know that Miss Manners or Emily Post or one of those snooty bitches considers me immature because I like to cut all of my meat up before I eat it. That is not only immature but rude. I just don't want to have to stop to cut more once I get started so I cut it all right at the beginning. And if I am immature (and rude) in my table manners that it is not such a stretch that I would be immature (and rude) in other areas.

But you know what? I'm okay with it.

(M)esses of (M)s

2010-04-15T14:02:00.000-05:00

I racked my brain trying to coming up with an (M). I am really starting to have to work too hard at this!

First (M) in honor of my birthday:

(M)edicine. Getting old is such a joy. Four pills each morning and seven (!) each night. It got embarrassing to have all those bottles lined up by the kitchen sink so I got one of these handy things. My cholesterol medicine is in there, as well as prilosec, melatonin, and glucosamine and chondroitin.

The second (M) on my mind today? This (M)ess:

The satellite installation people tried to walk me through troubleshooting why one of our remotes no longer changes channels in one of the bedrooms. They wanted me to check some connections. Uh, really? Which one? Nope, not that one. Uh-huh, not that one either. And now we can't change channels in either bedroom or the kitchen. So, they are coming back tomorrow. I just cleaned up for them 10 days ago; I'm good til Christmas. Sorry.

I originally thought about sharing some of my (M)usic and (M)ovie collection with you, but I actually have plans with a friend of mine to start a movie review blog, so that will have to wait:

That's not the entire collection but a pretty good representation. I personally like how you can see the bookcase in the background. I can see a flamingo there, as well as my trash. I'm too busy to take another one. I have to go (M)ow the dandelions--no picture, sorry.

Glad to see lots of people went to visit Out of my Head. One little shout out and she passes me in followers. Awesome. No, really, I'm happy for her.

(L)iberals and (L)obster

2010-04-14T18:04:00.000-05:00

Yes, blogosphere, it is indeed my birthday today. And my what a day it has been.

I'll start with the (L)iberal first. I have no idea what her name is, really, but she is a hoot! And guess what? I think here comments are broke!! Luckily for her I know how to fix it, because it acts just like the problems ya'll were having with my comment section. I will email her about it tomorrow because I have already tapped the box o'wine and I have no other motivation now.

That was how my birthday started, with a comment from her. I then went to a meeting at the high school where my son was officially removed from the special education program. He is an exception, to be sure, but the people there have been super and they are responsible for a great deal of the progress he has made. Now if we can just keep him out or trouble, he may grow up to be a productive member of society. To his credit he has passed 3 of Mom's Random Piss Tests (MPRT) and we are continuing to let him live.

I left the meeting and picked up a friend and we went to Marion and ate lunch at the Red (L)obster. It was awesome...and we were right next door to Target! I bought new dish towels in orange, turquoise, and yellow (the colors I am going to paint my kitchen because they match my fiestaware) and a new book, The Help. I managed to talk myself out of buying an ipod touch because I would rather have a hot tub. Duh, who wouldn't.

I stopped at the custard stand in Sesser and bought myself 2 quarts of orange sherbet on the way home. I truly believe this is the world's best sherbet and I am looking forward to digging in. I think it will be marvelous with boxed zinfandel. I could have sworn it was sherbert but spell check insists there are not 2 r's in there.

Okay, just so we are clear: It is my birthday and I am already drinking. If I leave you an inappropriate comment later on I am sorry. It probably was hilarious to me. And Rae, we need to meet in Marion sometime and go to Tequila's and have some of those drinks with the umbrella's in them!

(K)FC

2010-04-13T00:01:00.003-05:00

Have you seen this?!??

Doesn't that just look like the most awesome thing ever? Oh my giddy god, no bread, just chicken filets! I'm not so sure about the "zesty sauce" but I have got to get me one of these. It's called a Double Down.

It has 540 calories, 32 grams of fat, and 1,380 mg of sodium and I absolutely must have one. I think I'm in love.

(I counted the words on this post; it's over 50 and I wrote a really long post yesterday so I'm calling it good. I really think the picture speaks for itself!)

I Killed (J)ohnny Cash's Dog

2010-04-12T11:24:00.003-05:00

True story.

I moved to Hendersonville, TN when I was 15 years old. I was a freshman in high school and we moved in April, literally days after my birthday. I had to go back to middle school for 6 weeks. It was awful.

When you live around Nashville you just get used to seeing famous people in everyday places. I'm sure it's the same in LA or NYC. Only the famous people in Nashville aren't quite so fancy and they do a lot of their own shopping and whatnot. I worked at KMart for a long time. I helped Tom T. Hall find a mop. I showed knives to Jim Varney. I showed fishing reels to Grandpa Jones. I worked at Opryland the summer that the movie "Rhinestone" came out. I got to meet Dolly Parton and Sylvester Stallone (he's really short!) but I was more star-struck meeting Junior Samples and Lulu Roman.

Anyhoo, I had a friend that lived back in the neighborhood where Johnny Cash lived, right past Roy Orbison's house. Johnny's house is on a curve that was widened to accommodate all the tour buses. Of course I used to come barreling through there in my '77 T-bird much too fast--but you could get 25 points for each tourist you knocked down; 50 if you didn't hurt their camera. Kids were worth 100 because they are little and fast and harder to hit. I bet you think I'm kidding. I guarantee you they still play this game in Hendersonville, only with inflation and everything the points value are probably higher.

During my junior year Rena and I were really good friends and I spent a lot of time at her house (her mom had an awesome collection of fiestaware) so I of course passed back and forth in front of Johnny's a lot. I knew that dog was always there. He could hear that T-bird coming and he would assume the position. If I didn't see a tour bus as I was heading into the curve I had it made...I could just accelerate through the curve and hug the inside and the dog would never get near me. On the way back out I had to slow down heading into the curve but I was already on the inside curve and he never came that far into the road. Well, then Johnny had to go and get him some antelope and ostriches. He had some land across the road from his house, which was on Old Hickory Lake, and he brought in some exotic animals for whatever reason. I was 17 and had only seen things like that in a zoo, so this one particular day I was gawking at those awful-looking birds and all of a sudden ba-dump-a-thump!

Yep, front AND back tires. I don't know if you know how big a 1977 Ford Thunderbird was. BIG. He didn't feel a thing. Okay, that's probably not true. But he didn't feel it for long. I pull over and get out and the guard comes out of the guard shack and here comes Johnny's brother Roy running out of the house across the road. I'm crying, "Please tell me that wasn't Johnny's dog!" and Roy just nods his head.

"Oh god, I didn't even see him! I was looking at those freaky birds!"

"He hates Fords," the guard says. "He runs out after them all the time. It's the third time he's been hit; we knew it was just a matter of time."

"Tell Johnny I'm really sorry! Is he going to be ok? Do we need to take him to the vet or something?"

"It's too late for that. We'll take care of him. You go on home now."

That is the only dog I have ever run over. And all of that story is true except for the part about the dog hating Fords. Let's call it poetic license. Oh, and in case you're wondering, you don't get any points for hitting dogs because that's just mean.

(I) Don't Have a Clue

2010-04-10T08:51:00.001-05:00

It just didn't seem right to blog about me (I) for the I post when (I) blog about me every day. (I) wanted something else. You are about to get an unfortunate glimpse into my thought process:

(I)chthyology? Hmm. No fish. (I)ch. (I)ch. (I)chabod Crane? No. (I)chabod Crane from Legend of Sleepy Hollow by Washington (I)rving? Is that even correct? (I) don't know. (I)rving. (I)rving. (I)rving Berlin! Sure, I can write about my contentious relationship with my mother and how we would fight and/or hardly speak to each other all week long but on Sunday afternoons we would sit around drinking beer, reading Trivial Pursuit questions to each other, listening to big band music...there was bound to be some (I)rving Berlin in there somewhere!

So, you almost got to read that gem. Luckily for you my daughter suggested I write about the (i)ce cream we made for Easter. It was awesome!

Lemon Cheesecake (I)ce Cream

8 oz. cream cheese (or cottage cheese)
3 T. fresh lemon juice
2 egg yolks
1/2 cup sugar
1/4 t. vanilla
1 cup half & half
2 egg whites

Puree cream cheese (or cottage cheese) with half & half in a blender. In a small bowl, beat egg yolks with sugar until thick and lemon colored. Add lemon juice and vanilla; stir well. Add pureed mixture and mix well.
In a medium bowl, beat egg whites until stiff and fold into mixture; chill until cold (about 1-2 hours). Pour well chilled mixture into ice cream machine and proceed according to manufacturer's directions.

(I) added a couple extra tablespoons of lemon juice. Oh, and that small bowl should probably be bigger.

Call me when it's ready!

(H)ousekeeping...or lack thereof

2010-04-09T12:14:00.000-05:00

My bloggy friend Rae has mentioned several times on her blog what her housekeeping duties include. I don't think she likes to do all that mopping, and dusting, and vacuuming, and all the other nonsense she does. Every. Single. Week. But she does it anyway.

Me? Not so much. I tell people all the time that I just don't get bothered about that kind of stuff. Mind you, we're not living in squalor...but it is messy. And dusty:

As soon as I saw this I thought of Rae. She always has pictures on her blog that relate to her posts, but I don't think she takes most of them herself. Let me assure you, this is my headboard in my bedroom and I am the one who wrote "Dust Me". I especially like that wad of dust at the bottom of the "M". And I wanted to share this with her, and thank her for all of the comments and emails she has sent me, and for all the encouragement she has given me to continue with this challenge.

Posting everyday is not my strong suit, but I have been enjoying it very much, and love hearing from my new friends. Coming up with these posts is getting hard, though. Luckily my daughter came up with an idea for "I" tomorrow. It's way better than what I had in mind.

(H)ats off to you, Rae!

(G)oat(G)irl

2010-04-08T11:07:00.008-05:00

I was born in Des Moines, IA. Although Iowa is a predominately agricultural state, Des Moines is not. Later we moved to the suburbs and that is where I spent all of my formative years. I tell you this so that you may understand that I am NOT a country girl. Yet I find myself living on a goat farm. In the country.

The lovely lady with the beard and the blue collar is Gabby. She was my first bottle fed goat. She used to love me best, but then puberty hit and she switched allegiance to my husband. She luuuurrrrrrves him. She starts rubbing her head on him as soon as he crosses the fence and then nibbles on his jeans. The runt next to her is Tinkerbell, and she is my latest project. Between Gabby and Tink there was Patrick and Henry, and Lucy and Ethel. Unfortunately bottle fed goats don't usually survive and those 4 are no longer with us. Tinkerbell doesn't know it yet, but she is headed to the big goat pasture in the sky in a month or two.

Please disregard the Beverly Hillbillies goat shed there. It was still cold when they started dropping kids and my husband was still unemployed so he just nailed up scrap lumber to keep the wind off them. Last year I think we lost about 40 kids to the elements. That includes the ones that got suffocated at the bottom of the goat piles. They would bunch up trying to get warm and the ones on the bottom would be dead, every morning. We only lost one this year, and it wouldn't have survived any way. It helped that we bred them later in the fall, too. You can see Gabby being the Alpha Female at around 0:55.

They all came running over to the feeder when they saw me outside. I wish I could have caught the babies doing their little hyper jumping and hopping thing. It's adorable.

This certainly isn't the life I envisioned growing up, but it really is a (g)ood one.

(F)iestaware UPDATED

2010-04-07T12:25:00.002-05:00

Finally...the long awaited fiestaware post. Prepare to be dazzled, boys and girls. I am about to share with you my extensive fiestaware collection.

Yep. That's it. Isn't that the cutest darn pitcher you've ever seen? I put that on my amazon wishlist last Christmas and was fortunate enough to receive it. You know, it looked a LOT bigger in the picture. I just went back to amazon to take a screenshot so I could show you how I had been misled by the picture, and, well, I was misled by the picture. But, it clearly says 5 oz. mini pitcher. 5 oz. is not a lot. We put maple syrup in it one morning, but it was just one more thing I had to clean up.

The butter dish is the first piece I acquired and I bought it for myself. Well, I had an amazon gift certificate and that is what I used it on. It matches one of the paint colors in my kitchen.

Next came the aforementioned pitcher. Just last week I ordered the platter. That color was the cheapest and I needed a platter...you do the math.

I just noticed the post-it note stuck to my spice rack in that picture. That's a recipe for corndog batter. Mmmm. Gotta go.

**UPDATE**
I got an email from the Union Store (my husband is a heavy equipment operator Local 520) that they were having a 50% off sale. Did you know that fiestaware is union-made in the USA? I got a 67 1/4 oz. persimmon pitcher for $16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Normally he wouldn't be overly thrilled with my (in his opinion) unnecessary purchases, but union-made, honey! Helping the Brotherhood! Keeping America working! The wee little ones are only $6! Look at all the colors!! Gotta go!!

We Interrupt This Challenge

2010-04-07T02:15:00.001-05:00

It is almost 2 am but I just can't sleep. I only had to work 8 hours today so I was home by midnightish. I am sitting here in my pj's catching up on all the blogs out there and looking at my COMMENTS. That's right, I said COMMENTS. I kicked Blogger's ass, ya'll, and I am still high. Well, it could be the wine. If I leave you a rude or inappropriate comment, it's the wine. I'm sorry.

I'm noticing, though, that I am not like the other bloggers out there, and when they find out, I really hope that they let me stay and play. I must say that although I like to say I am open-minded and don't discriminate against anyone, I guess I really do have a certain idea about (crap, I don't know how to say this) "certain people". And these "certain people" that I tend to believe are stupid and narrow-minded and, most of all, not funny--well it's just not true. They are hilarious! In a good way. I always just assumed that I wouldn't like them and they wouldn't like me, but they keep reading my blog. Now, they may just be monitoring me for Sarah Palin, but maybe they can see past my liberal agnosticism.

Oops! Cat's out of the bag now!

Well, I just thought I would warn you now, before we get to the letter T(ea) post. Yes, I drink a little too much wine on occasion. And leave what I believe are witty (and hilarious) comments on blogs that I stumble upon. And I am really foul-mouthed, but I am trying to dial that back a notch or 10 so I don't offend you. Yeah, that's not gonna last.

(E)nter If You Dare

2010-04-06T12:48:00.000-05:00

Thank you all for waiting so patiently while I flailed around trying to fix my comment section. I told Rae I was just going to go push some buttons on the Dashboard and that's pretty much what I did.

Until I noticed the one that said embedded. (Oh, look, my code is showing!)

The button next to embedded was selected, with the following disclaimer:
The embedded comment form can not be used if you have Post Pages disabled.
(Didn't know I knew that one, too, did ya?)

To be quite honest, I have no freakin' clue what Post Pages are, or which one of you snuck in here and disabled them, but I told you I would figure it out!!!!

Just in time for my awesome F post tomorrow...I hope I can find that stupid camera.

(D)one

2010-04-05T12:02:00.003-05:00

Fine, Blogger, you win.

Sand Dollar is my template. It has the most orange in it, and we all know that I am obsessed with all things orange.

I don't know why you won't let me have comments on my pretty blog, Blogger. I think it's pretty racist, actually. Well, I don't know if racist is the right word, but it's pretty darn mean. Every one else has a pretty blog and just because the only code I know is <>, I can't have comments? It's not fair.

That's right. It's not fair . There...I used my code.

But I will win, Blogger. After I work my next 3 twelve hour shifts I will have a day off, probably. And then I will email my bloggy friend Rae and ask her to help me and I will have comments once more.

Or I will keep this butt-ugly template. One or the other. But I will have comments!

Box o' Whine

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You People Are So Lucky

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(F)iestaware UPDATED